Sitting in a coffee shop

The due date of my first child is just under a week away. It’s somewhat strange to know that your life is about to change completely soon. I’m simultaneously excited about all that is going to happen and try to enjoy the last few days of my old life as much as possible. But what can you really do. It feels pretty normal, still. So I’m trying to make the most of it, without being fully sure how to do that.

A moment like the one right now, where I sit in a coffee shop shop in the early morning after my workout and before work feels commonplace, and yet I know that I won’t be doing this very often in the future, at least not for some time. It’s these moments of stillness and introspection, moments of being alone among strangers, with time to reflect, potter, write and think, where I can do whatever I want that I suspect I’ll miss the most. I’m not worried that after the initial few weeks, we’ll find a routine where what’s truly crucial to me (learning, training) will find a place. But there won’t be as much time for me to just being on my own without a clear purpose. I suspect I’ll want to do this less often, because compared to spending time with M and the little one seems more appealing. But I also just won’t be able to do it as often because I want and need to help M, or the little one (S, sort squirreli, our English - Swiss-German-diminutive portmanteau for her), is ill or otherwise not feeling well. And where I will just have to be there. Whether my need for alone time decreases proportionally to my ability to have alone time is the question, and I’m curious to find out what the new equilibrium will look like (I’m sounding like an economist – need to write more often to get this out of my system and write more natural prose).

A main part of my identity going forward will be to be a good dad for S and co-parent for M. I want to be the emotional bedrock of my family, the one everyone can rely on to be there and show up.